Crackfic Crazy Shit
by River Marie
Summary: Just the basic storyline of A Slap on Titan written down. It's on YouTube if you havent watched or heard of it. All credit gos to Tomadre, the creator of A Slap on Titan. Lmao, hope you like.
1. Sandbox

A loud boom sounded across the city of Shingashina. Every citizen within the so called saftey of the wall looked to the north.

A large... _Hand,_ reached to curl over the top of wall Maria. It's fingers were made up of nothing but bone and muscle. To evreyone's horror its head apeared next, tall enough to peek over the wall. The titan's mouth, pulled into a permanent menacing grin. Like the giant's hands, its face was made of muscle and bone. Large beady eyes stared in cruel satisfaction at the humans below, shaking in fear at his apearance.

" **WHATS GOIN NIGGAS. THIS LOOK LIKE A SAND BOX!"** The giant skinless announced, amusement saturated in his deep, raspy voice.


	2. Diabetic

"Hey, faliure"

Eren awoke with a jolt at the sound of Mikasa's dissapointed tone. Crows flew from the tree tops above and flowers waved in the wind among the fields.

"Guess who collected all the wood while you were sleeping" Mikasa said while standing up from her crouching postition in front of Eren.

"I wasn't sleeping!" Eren shouted devensivly. "It-it was insulin shock" he stated matter of factly.

"You're not a diabetic" Mikasa claimed.

"And your not a phsycic!" Eren said while rubbing sleep from his eyes angrily.

"you _are not_ a diabetic"

"G- give me a cookie" He demanded, brows furrowed and eyes watering, threataning to spill tears.

"No, i dont have anything" She said in a bored tone.

"I could be lying here, dying, all beacuase of low blood sugar and your lack of snacks and you call me a faliure? gosh, worthless!" Eren argued.

"you know you were sucking your thumb in your sleep"

"Dammit, it's not my fault Mikasa, you know i have an oral fixation!" He cried, voice wavering and tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Whatever, loser. Lets head home. Otherwise mom gonna break out the belt by the time we get back" She said, anoyance tainting her voice.


	3. Your Mother was a Whore

"All the prophets were wrong! Do you know who was right? THESE FUCKING WALLS!" A deranged preist of the wallist cult shouted from the side walk of a busy street in Shingashina. "Yes, the sacred walls that protect us from the demons, they predict the future. All one must do is smash their head against the wall to receive a prophetic vision. Why, i smash my head so many times, i now live in a state of perpetual halucination. PRAISE THE WALLS!"

Mikasa and Eren were nearing one of the many gates of Maria from their small Journey to collect firewood.

"Better not tell mom what happened when we get back" Eren reminded his sister. "My ears are still scared from the last round of pinching!" He never got a chance to finish his rant when a tall Garrison soilder intercepted the children halfway through the gate.

"Heeeyy, Eren" the Garrison slurred.

"Oh look, an alcholoic ginger, what a suprise" Eren adressed the man sarcasticly.

The drunk raised a brow and leaned foward "That's not *hic* truuueee. I'm only half ginger.

"Even a drop is too much" Eren gagged at the smell wafting off the man.

"Ha, well excuuuse me. At leat my mother's history wasn't a family secret" The ginger retorted smugly.

Eren snapped to attention and glared at the man "What?"

"Your mama's past-oh, shit. Wait you dont know?" Hanes questioned.

A few lower ranking soilders seated behind Hanes at a table started laughing and jeering at Eren's ignorance. "Oh, snap! knowledge is about to get dropped!"

Eren ignored them and turned his attention back to the Garrison drunk. "Hanes, what the hell are you talking about?" He questioned demandingly.

Hanes simply sighed. "Eren, your mother was a massive whore back in the day"

"What?! no she wasn't"

Hanes sighed "Eren, i've seen titans, and they are scary as shit. But lemme tell you, none of them could match your mom when it comes to the sheer amount of human meat, that has been in her mouth"

And just to prove his point a dark haired, heavy set Garrison soilder came to stand at hanes side and chuckled. "Dude, can you imagine the amount of biomass that has been under her sheets? Ha, i'm no expert, but it's probably enough to kickstart a new Aqaurium society" The man stated.

And to make Eren's embaressment worse, that achoholic, ginger fuck just had to jump in and add to the conversation "Eren, back in the day, it wasn't just that your mama was good at suckin dick, it was more that she had it down to an industrial sized process" Hanes voice almost cracking with laughter.

...Worst of all, one of the druken men set up behind Hanes just had to say anything "Face it kid, your mother is such a whore, everey night she probably goes to sleep under the AIDS memorial blanket, HAHA!" The rude man belted out. The other drunken soilders busted out into retarted laughter behind them, sounding as if a herd of donkeys was having a brain anyerism.

Hanes silenced them with a look, they went on their way until it was just him and the two jaeger chidren. Ah, he supposed Eren deserved a full explanation.

"You know how your mom and dad first met? Well, he's a doctor, and he saved the town from a plague, but what you probaly don't know, was your mama was the cause of the plague" Hanes explained "He found her, and saved her from every STD known to mankind. She got free health care, and he got free succy succy whenever he wanted. It was match made in heaven." Hanes finished his explanation with utmost sincerity.

But Eren was going to have none of it "Thats bullshit!" He shouted. None of what Hanes was saying was true!

The soilder simply gave a condencending smile "Eren, your parents marige was built under the sticky foundation of vineral diseases. DEAL WITH IT, YA PUSSY!"

Eren simply stood where he was, staring at the ground with hatred, seething with anger.

Hanes reached out to a broken table a foot from himself and snatched a flask of whiskey, took a large swig. "HA, holy shit, can you even imagine what's flowing through your bloodstreams right now, kid? you are probably just riddled with syphalis!" Hanes shouted, throwing his head back and laughing to the point he was gasping for air.

"I AM NOT RIDDELD WITH SYPHALIS!" Eren finnaly snapped "I'M PERFECTLY FUCKING HEALTHY!"

"Says the child of a doctor. You know you only need a tetnis shot every few years, right?" Hanes questioned mockingly. "Those weekly injections aren't for stepping on rusty nails, if you know what i'm saying?"

Before Eren could say anything, Mikasa, who he had almost forgotten was there, grabbed his arm and forcefully dragged him past Hanes, and out the tunnel into the main courtyard, where they listened to the sounds of trolling, drunken men behind them.

"Ignore them, Loser" Mikasa gripped Eren's shoulders and made him face her "So what if mom was a whore?, that's her problem, not ours. Now, let's head home"


	4. Recon Core

"I cant believe those Gaurds, i know they were lying! A bunch of lazy, drunk idiots!" Eren ranted to Mikasa as the two of them hauled the stacks of twigs tied to their backs up a steep incline.

"I still think you're an idiot for wanting to join the Recon Core" Mikasa looked over at him.

"Well, at least i'm not a lazy drunk!...Well at least im not a drunk"

Bells rung over head of the two children, stopping them in their tracks. Looking over the city from the top of the hill they were standing upon, Eren and Mikasa could see the Main Gate of wall Maria lifting to accomodate it's arrivals.

Then it clicked in Eren's brain "Oh! the Recon Core is back, come on Mikasa, let's cheer on the real heroes of Humanity!" The boy said while tugging on Mikasa in a sad attempt to drag her back down the hill.


	5. Bullshark Testosterone

Men and women with green cloaks upon their backs slowly filed in through the large gate of Shingashina. The sum of the soilders who had returned were either dead or severley injured. Among the people here, they had almost no respect. Everey one thinking that their monthly expiditions were a waste of money, time, and people.

"Oh, look who it is, bitch patrol"

"By the walls!, you people look messed up"

"Look at these pussies!" one child shouted.

"They look like gay Robin hood" another Redneck said.

It seemed that the only supportive voice there was non other than Eren Jaeger "Hey, there he is, Erwin! my frickin hero!"

The large eyebrow man looked over to the sidelines to witness a small child smiling directly at him and calling himself the boy's hero. Pathetic. Where Erwin was from, they didn't name the children until they were sure they'd survive. "Ugh, children" He muttered to himself.

Once the soilders had finished clearing through, a few civilians were left.

"Man, those rangers are cowards" A fat merchant said to no one in particular.

"No they"re not! They are heroes!" Eren said while hitting the man over the noggin with a broom "Take that!"

Just as the man was about to strike Eren, and he was about to give the merchant a whoopin with the broom, a small hand reached around the back of Eren and yanked him into the alleway.

Eren grunted and struggled to look up and realize it was only Mikasa saving his ass again.

"Hey! lemme go" Eren complained

She indeed let him go. By fucking tossing him at a wall where he lay crippled.

"Jesus christ, Mikasa you really need to lay off the bull shark testosterone, you are like way to stong for a girl"

"Whats wrong with taking testosterone?!"

Eren looked up at her from trying to get the wood back together "Cause you're like fucking twelve, that's whats wrong. Girls your age should be mensturating or lactating, whatever disgusting shit it is that girls do!"

Mikasa glared at him and he stared back

"Anal?" Eren suggested. The small Asain girl simply picked him up and threw him at the wall again, where he lay groaning and pondering why he was still alive.

"JEEZ, HOLY FUCK MIKASA, i think you just permanantly altered my spine. You could become a chiropracter for hunchbacks! you could probably reset a titan's vertabre alone, You could probably do sepecue with an acupuncture needle!" Eren shouted in a daze. "I really dont know how to handle this. Iv'e been crippled by your mutant strength and my personal issues with having a fake sister adding me to disability list!"

"And i'm crippled by the fact that you still won't accept me as your sister...and lover"

"What you say?" Eren looked over quickly at mikasa from his third attempt to pick up the wood.

"Nothing!" she denied quickly "I am the night!"

"Oh god, don't start that shit again. You're enough of a hipster without the scarf"

"It warms the darkness of my soul" She claimed creepily.


	6. Dysfunctional Family

"Hey, were back" Eren announced, opening the door to his small, yet comfortable home. Carla was at the counter washing dishes, humming to herself.

"Welcome home" Carla greeted her offspring while they dumped the wood into a pile next to the firepit. "OH STICKS, my favorite"

Carla left her spot at the sink and Mikasa took her place. Walking over to her only son, she leaned over him and pinched his ear hard.

"Ow, mom not again. What's that for?" Eren said while glaring at her.

"It's cause you're a lazy little shit" Carla explained "Those who don't get wood, are no good!"

Shaking his head in anoyance and backing away from mom, Eren sat down at the table where mikasa brought the two of them dinner, munching on shitty carrot stew happily.

"So, i heard some pretty interesting things at the gaurd house today where Hanes and his pack of drunks usually hang out" Eren spoke, trying to initiate conversation.

"And what interesting things would that be?" A deep male voice spoke from beside him...

"EREN WANTS TO JOIN THE RECON CORE" Mikasa belted out quickly. All was silent.

"WHAT THE FUCK MIKASA" Eren protested, slamming down his fork and giving his sister a death glare

A clang could be heard across the room where Carla was standing in shock. Shards of ceramic plate were scattered all around the ground at her feet. Ignoring that, the shook women whipped around and walked quickly over to the table.

"Eren, is this true?" Carla questioned while gripping his shoulders hard.

"W-what? uh, yes" he admited.

"You told me those days were over! thats it, bed time forever"

"Dammit mom, but its what i wanna do!"

"How could you?" She said with tears spilling down her face "How could you keep this secret side of your life hidden away from me for years?!"

"Are you sure you haven't done the same yourself?" Eren suggusted. An awkward scilence filled the room.

"Well Eren, how about us boys talk this out?" The deep male voice spoke, interupting the silence.

"Oh, hi dad. You were so quiet, i didn't notice you" Eren said sarcasticly.

"Thats becuase im a genie" Grisha said, waving his hands around for affect, the awkward scilence returning.

"Um, no. Look eren, i am not mad at you for wanting to join the Recon Core. Trust me, i do understand, and if you ever have any questions about any secrets we may have kept from you" Grisha explained while reaching in his pocket to pull out a key on a string "Here's the key to the basement"

Eren's face lit up "The forbidden dungeon? awesome!"

"Yes, that. When i get back we'll go have a look down there together and i'll explain...Evereything. But not until then, promise?" Grisha questioned his son.

"Dad, this is the most you've said to me..Ever"

"I must be off" Grisha spoke from the doorway "I have some BIG bussines to take care of in the empire" Then he walked away forvever.

"Goodebye dear" Carla said to her departing husband as he took off down the road.

"Just becuase your father is ok with you joining the Recon Core, dosn't mean i am" she scolded her son.

Eren had enough of this wench "Oh yeah? Well maybe i'm not ok with you lying to me about your filthy, shorted past!" Was his final words before he took off down the aley way with Mikasa trailing after him.


	7. Psychopath Armin

"Ha, stupid nerd. Reading books and shit." A twig lookin ass said as he slammed Armin against a wall.

"I hope you enjoy this. But one day, i'm going to grow up and teach my self how to make chloroform and knock you all out!" Armin spat in his face. "Then, i'll drag you down into my basement and chain you to the foundation. The first thing you will see upon waking is me, standing before you as your new god..and then i'll make you worship me in ways no one has."

 _Time skip a few hours_ "And then what did they do after that?" Eren asked his blonde friend.

"They beat me up and took my book."

"Again?"

"Yeah, and it was a good one" Armin muttered wistfully.

Eren looked to the sky and pondered once again why he was still alive "How do you cope?"

Armin looked at the water flowing so peacefully front of him and thought for a moment. "Well, i started out by writing dark poetry, then i worked my way up to sewing hand made replicas of my tormemters, then placing each doll in a pentagramic circle and then stabbing out their eyes before extingushing their souls in a ritualized fire ceremony"

Eren looked to him in confusion "Wow Armin. That's kinda fucked up."

"It get's worse." he admited.

A loud boom clapped across the city of Shingashina, a large green lighting bolt struck on the other side of the wall. Houses shook and collapsed, people were thrown into the air.

The three children, Eren, mikasa, and Armin picked themselves back up and ran to town sqaure where they could easily see the tip of the wall where the lightning had struck.

"HOLY FUCK, BY THE WALL" one panicked citizen exclamaied.

"By the wall indeed!"

"is it jesus?"

A large.. _hand_ , curled over the top of wall Maria, made of blood red muscle of bone. It's head appeared next, beady eyes staring in cruel satisfaction at the puny human's terror.

 **"WHAT'S GOIN NIGGAS. THIS LOOK LIKE A SANDBOX"** the titan exclaimed, deep raspy voice full of amusment.


	8. Hoodrat Titans

**"WHY DONT I INVITE MYSELF IN"** The Colasle titan anounced while placing both hands on the wall and bringing his large foot back only to swing it foward to make a large hole in the base of the wall. " **CANT WAIT TO DIIIIIG YOUR LOVE!"** He sung happily.

Debris from the wall exploded across the town, crushing houses and people. The titan only looked on in satisfaction. " **REAL SHIT NIGGA! NO BITCH TALK"** And with that said, the titan slowly dissapeared behind the wall by lowering himself while muttering about him having a new glory hole.

Back in the courtyard down below the three children stared in shock at the destruction all around.

"Are we safe?! did any titans come in?" Armin questioned while crouching on the ground looking like a rat.

"Way to go Armin, you fucking jinxed it" Eren said as a 10 meter titan lumbered through the hole, a permanent smile stretched over it's face. " **MM, MM, MM. I SMELL ME SOME CRACKER JACKS.**

" **LOOK AT ALL THESE LIL MOTHERFUCKERS RUN AROUND OUT HERE."**

" **ITS LIKE CANDY LAND!** "

As all this was being said, a whole hoard of titans, ranging from 2 to 14 meters filed in quickly one after the other.

Back to the kids, who being the dumbasses they were still stood in the same place until Eren stumbled foward in shock.

"Eren, no! where are you going!" Armin shouted after his friend.

"Mom, those rocks fell near mom." He muttered in a daze. Mikasa ran to his side before he could topple over and whispered comforting things in his ear, pulled him back up and attempted to drag him in the direction of their house shouting at him to snap out of it.

"NO!" Armin shouted insistently, still rooted to the same spot he was standing before. Reaching out to friends as they ran ahead, not giving a fuck about him.

"Steady your hand armin" He said to himself while grasping his shaking wrist with his other stable hand "You can't let them see you shaking when you take your revenge."

Mikasa and Eren were seen running up to their collapsed house.

"MOM! MOM!" Eren shouted in horror when he witnessed his mom burried under the front of the reckage.

"Quick mom, where does it hurt?"

"My evereywhere" She groaned.

"Help me lift this" Mikasa told Eren as she grasped a large wooden beam that lay across their mother.

"How many titans are there?" Carla asked her son.

"There's only" He started saying, looking up from his current occupation. "A million."

In the distance, an 11 meter could be seen lumbering towards the ruins of the Jaeger's destroyed house.

" **DAMN, THIS IS LIKE AN ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET! LOOK AT ALL THESE LIL SNACKS RUN AROUND. WE EATIN GOOD TONIGNT! LARGE AND IN CHARGE!"**

"Oh my God, that is so scary." Eren commented dryly when he noticed the titan.

"Oh my god Eren, Mikasa is totally bitching you right now" Carla said "I can acctualy feel her lifting the post all by herself! Watching you two lift this post is like watching a death match between Ironman and Jimeny Cricket for fucks sake!"

"Can we stop, with the sibling rivalry!?" Eren yelled at his mom while putting all his of puny strength into lifting the post.

"I"m sorry, this is a really horrible time for it. I'm sorry" Carla apoligized quickly..."IM SORRY, but look at her! I'ts like watching a Herculean legend!"

"I'm trying dammit! Aahhhhh!" eren screamed in pain, blood coating his fingers from all the splinters, then his hand slipped, so did the post, and there was a sickening crunch.

"AH, MY FEMUR" Carla shouted in agony. "I'ts no use, not even Mikasa"s man strength can get me out of here."

A whirling sound came from nowhere. "I'ts me, captain hero!" Hanes anounced flying in on his ODM gear. "Heyyyy eren. Man this awkward. Oh hey Carla, weren't you on your knees last time we met?

"HANES SAVE MY SPAWNLINGS!" She pleaded desperatley.

"Don't worry Carla, when was the last time i ever dissapointed you?"

"Context" Eren glared at Hanes.

"Don't worry Eren. I'm gonna save all three of you, then be rewarded richly in bed with your mama!" He claimed while jumping of the ruins of the house, activating his ODM gear and sailing away in the direction of the titan, bamboo blades out and ready to slice and dice. "God i fell like a young man again. Even better her legs are broken so she can"t leave the bed. Not that she'd want to, if you know what im saying" Hanes said to himself "GAWWWD, Hanes, you might have a name that sounds like a neandertholic troll trying to drawl out the Hanes logo, but deep inside, YOU ARE A BADASS.


End file.
